10 Unhealthiest Burgers In Texas That Are Totally Worth Every Calorie
Texas knows a thing or two about burgers—especially the gloriously excessive kind that would make any nutritionist faint. As a born-and-raised Texan, I’ve made it my personal mission to track down the most deliciously dangerous burgers across the Lone Star State.
These monstrous creations might shorten your lifespan, but trust me, the flavor explosion is worth trading a few days on earth for. From towering stacks of beef to over-the-top toppings like fried jalapeños and melted cheese oozing from every angle, these burgers redefine indulgence.
Ready your arteries and loosen your belt, because we’re about to embark on a caloric adventure through Texas’ most sinfully satisfying burger joints.
1. The Coronary Crusher at Twisted Root (Dallas)
Holy cow! The first time I laid eyes on this behemoth, I thought they’d accidentally given me two burgers. The Coronary Crusher lives up to its ominous name with a half-pound patty topped with bacon, fried egg, cheese, and – get this – another entire grilled cheese sandwich!
My cousin dared me to finish it in one sitting last summer, and I’m still not sure whether I won or lost that bet. The combination of gooey cheese oozing from both the sandwich and the burger creates a magnificent mess that requires at least seven napkins.
Despite its artery-clogging credentials, the perfectly seasoned beef and the crispy-edged fried egg make this cardiac catastrophe absolutely worth the extra gym time.
2. The Ridiculous at Rodeo Goat (Fort Worth)
Whoever named this burger wasn’t kidding around! My first bite of The Ridiculous sent me straight to flavor heaven with its candied bacon and caramelized onions creating a sweet-savory symphony I still dream about.
Last fall, I brought my vegetarian friend here, and even she couldn’t resist stealing a bite after watching my eyes roll back in pure bliss. The maple syrup glaze caramelizes on the griddle, creating crispy edges on the patty that should be illegal in at least forty states.
Between the grilled jalapeños, melted cheese, and a mysterious sauce they refuse to divulge the recipe for, this 1,800-calorie monster delivers a flavor experience worth every future treadmill minute.
3. The Gut Buster at Chris Madrid’s (San Antonio)
Cheese lovers, prepare to meet your match! The Gut Buster doesn’t just have cheese – it’s practically swimming in a molten cheese lake that cascades down the sides like a dairy Niagara Falls. My shirt still bears the battle scars from my first encounter with this San Antonio legend.
The magic happens when they add a scoop of their homemade chili on top of the double-meat patty. Something about the way the spices in that chili blend with their special cheese mix creates a flavor bomb that’s absolutely mind-blowing.
I once saw a tourist take a photo of this burger for a full minute before attempting to pick it up. Spoiler alert: you’ll need a fork and knife… and possibly a bib.
4. The Hangover Helper at Hopdoddy (Austin)
Morning after a night on Sixth Street? The Hangover Helper saved my life more times than I’d care to admit during my college days in Austin. Picture this: a black angus beef patty topped with maple-glazed ham, a perfectly runny egg, and potato hay crispy enough to make your hangover headache forget itself.
The secret weapon is their sassy sauce – a mysterious concoction with just enough kick to wake up your taste buds without assaulting them. My roommate once ordered this at 2 PM and immediately took a three-hour nap afterward.
Fair warning: consuming this 1,500-calorie monster might cure your hangover, but it’ll replace it with a food coma that’ll knock you out till dinnertime!
5. The Texas Tumbleweed at Goodfriend Garden (Dallas)
Onion ring enthusiasts, I’ve found your holy grail! The Texas Tumbleweed doesn’t just put onion rings ON the burger – it practically builds a fortress of them around a juicy half-pound patty that’s been smoked over pecan wood.
Last summer, I challenged my brother-in-law to a Tumbleweed showdown. The crunch from those battered onion rings echoed across the patio! The true genius lies in their smoked jalapeño mayo that somehow manages to be both cooling and spicy at the same time.
Between the pepper jack cheese, bacon jam, and those glorious rings, this burger requires a jaw unhinging worthy of a python. But trust me, you’ll find a way to make it work.
6. The Cardiac Arrest at Kenny’s Burger Joint (Plano)
My cardiologist would disown me if he knew how often I sneak off to Kenny’s for this monstrosity! The Cardiac Arrest features not one, not two, but THREE half-pound patties stacked between buttery grilled cheese sandwiches instead of buns.
My first encounter with this beast happened on my 30th birthday when I foolishly proclaimed I could finish it solo. The waitstaff actually applauded when I threw in the towel halfway through. The housemade bacon jam adds a sweet-smoky element that somehow cuts through all that richness.
Pro tip: They’ll give you a free t-shirt if you finish it alone, but is eternal glory worth the meat sweats that’ll follow? Based on personal experience… absolutely.
7. The Whole Farm at Liberty Burger (Houston)
Can’t decide between beef, chicken, or pork? The Whole Farm at Liberty Burger says, “Why choose?” My jaw literally dropped when this tower of meat madness arrived at my table during a work lunch in Houston.
Imagine a beef patty, fried chicken breast, AND pulled pork all stacked together with applewood bacon for good measure. My coworkers watched in horror and admiration as I somehow managed to compress this skyscraper enough to take a bite. The maple-mustard glaze ties all these proteins together in a way that shouldn’t work but absolutely does.
Fair warning: you might need to unhinge your jaw like a snake to consume this properly, but the flavor combination is worth the temporary facial rearrangement!
8. The Widowmaker at Maple & Motor (Dallas)
They don’t call it The Widowmaker for nothing! When this burger arrived at my table, the couple next to me actually gasped. Between the double beef patties, four types of cheese, and a fried egg that somehow stays perfectly runny, this Dallas legend has earned its ominous name.
My brother and I have a tradition of splitting one whenever he visits from California. We always swear we’ll just have half, but somehow we always finish the whole thing and then waddle out like penguins. The secret weapon is their butter-toasted bun that somehow stays intact despite the avalanche of toppings.
At roughly 2,000 calories, you might want to schedule a nap afterward. And possibly a cholesterol check.
9. The Bypass Burger at Heart Attack Grill (Lubbock)
Walking into Heart Attack Grill feels like entering a hospital-themed fever dream. Servers dressed as nurses take your order, and if you don’t finish your food, they’ll “punish” you with a fake paddle! My college roommates dared me to try The Bypass Burger last homecoming weekend.
This monster features four half-pound patties layered with bacon, chili, jalapeños, and enough cheese to make Wisconsin proud. I only made it through two layers before admitting defeat, much to the delight of the “nurse” who announced my failure to the entire restaurant.
With a calorie count that would make a nutritionist faint, this burger isn’t just a meal – it’s a life experience that will simultaneously thrill your taste buds and terrify your arteries.
10. The Lone Star Legend at Alamo Drafthouse (San Antonio)
Movie theater food doesn’t usually make “best of” lists, but the Alamo Drafthouse’s Lone Star Legend deserves its own standing ovation! I discovered this gem during a Marvel movie marathon and nearly missed key plot points because I was too busy having a religious experience with this burger.
The magic starts with a brisket-infused patty that’s smoked for 12 hours, then topped with queso, avocado, and crispy fried jalapeños. The theater stays dark enough that nobody can see you doing your happy food dance in your seat.
Pro tip: Order it with their chipotle mayo on the side for extra dipping goodness. Just be warned – the crunching of those jalapeños might earn you some side-eye during quiet movie moments!